It's been a week!

I can't believe it's been a whole week since I posted. My mom said something to me about it tonight, as did my sister, and I couldn't believe it had been an entire week. Time really flies when all you do is work and sleep haha. I have to say, maybe I didn't write as much because I wasn't as proud of myself this week. I didn't gain anything, but I didn't really lose anything further either. I know, I shouldn't let that get in my way, but it's a minor set back. I have to realize that not every day is gonna be a good day, and not every week will be perfect, but that this has to be more of a lifestyle change than a "diet." I have the day off tomorrow and come hell or high water I will spend at least an hour working out. I have the time, and with some sleep I'll have the energy. I need to push myself because clearly just watching what I eat isn't enough. I need to be even more aware of everything I put in my mouth. Write it all down and stuff. I had a talk with my mom and it makes me so sad to see how dependant people are on food. How for some people it's the only thing that makes them "happy" and I 1000% don't want to be one of those people. My life will not revolve around food. It's a source of nourishment, not a source of happiness and I need to continue to remind myself that. Happiness is being active, living a long healthy life, being able to have children some day, finding love, loving myself.

I have to say, my mom is the best. Not only would she do anything and everything she can for me, but she is always there to support me in everything I do. She is proud of me for trying, encouraging when I fail and although we have our issues, she's an amazing friend. She's been so good in buying healthy food for me to eat and in keeping all the bad choices out of the house. She also offered to get me a gym membership, because I can't afford it. I can't take her up on it because I know she doesn't have the funds for it either, but the fact that she would further put herself out for me like that means the world. Hopefully another 6 months or so I'll have made a small dent in my debts and I'll be able to make a monthly gym payment. Till then, I'll just keep doing what i'm doing and working with what I've got. I have plenty of resources at home and I'll make it happen for myself one way or the other. It makes me feel so lucky to have people who love me and worry about me so much. I don't want to let them down, and this week, I wont!

<3 Irena

Still going strong!

So, while I havn't lost much this week. I'm still at about 10 lbs down, I have fought with some demons and won, which I feel is almost more important. I had cake twice this week, both for birthday celebrations and neither time did i overindulge, or go back for seconds. The old Irena would have had seconds and then maybe thirds later in the evening. I have watched my calories and kept up with being as active as possible and it really feels good. I feel like i'm so much more in control of myself and I plan on this week being a good week with a good amount of weight lost. I'd like another 3 lbs this week. I am also planning on working out more this week. My foot is finally a bit better, and i'm almost over this sinus infection (although it's hanging on) and I really want to push myself more this week. Unfortunately the weather is supposed to be junk for the next couple of days, but I won't let that stop me. I have plenty of things I can do in the house, workout videos light weights and such. As long as ninja doesn't chase me around the house when i start trying to work out like he sometimes does haha. And even then, i'll be running around the house...so that counts as excersize haha. Staying positive!! :D
<3 Irena

Day 18 and going strong!

Feeling a bit better FINALLY. I'm so tired of not feeling well. Day 4 of my antibiotics and I'm just feeling a little bit like myself. Not totally, but i'm getting there. I just wish I had more energy! I wanna feel up to working out, and running around, and plain running! Lol. Not that I run haha. I mean, some day I'd like to be able to run. But not now lol. I power walk haha. I am still keeping up with my calorie counting although minor set back yesterday with having chinese food for dinner. Best damn chicken ever haha. So I mightve gone over my calories a bit, but I did well today to make up for it, and it's only one day. More so I am just enjoying this weather and hoping very much to get out more! I can't wait till every day is warm weather and I can make going to the beach a regular occurance. Today I went down to the beach with my sister, and it was just lovely. I swear there is nothing so relaxing as watching the waves roll in, and feeling the warm sun on you. It's so theraputic for me and hopefully it'll help with losing weight, ya know...being able to do things like that I enjoy. You know, it's the little things that really make me happy. Tomorrow we celebrate my sis' bday...so it's another piece of cake, and a lottt more will power! Hopefully  haha
<3 Irena

Being sick is NOT good for weight loss :(

I went to the doctor yesterday and apparently I have a sinus infection. Lucky me. I'm on antibiotics now, but no rest for the weary...considering I was back at work today, having people breath all over me. Not happy about the fact that between my chest feeling tight, my throat hurting and my body aching I'm not all about getting my workout on. But I'm hoping it's just a matter of days till I'll be back to feeling great and I'll make up for lost time. I have to be extra careful with my food for the next few days too because It's my sisters birthday, and cake is inevidable! Now...I'm not saying I'm not excited for cake, cause a piece every now and then is good for the soul haha. However, I don't feel like I'm far enough along in my journey to not spiral and eat more than I should. So I'm going to really limit myself. One piece of cake and I walk away. NO seconds. And calories need to be mostly protien and low carb for a few days if I'm gonna be eating junk. I hate how we associate sweets with happy occasions. I can't wait to celebrate my sisters birthday. She's my best friend, and I love her more than anything. In turn, I want to be around with her till we're both old and grey and hitting each other w/ our canes haha, and have my mom there as well for as longgg as possible...and eating sweets is not the way to make that happen. I know I'm a bit over the top talking like that, since once piece of cake is not the start of binge eating...but I know myself. I wish we celebrated with a nice salad! haha. Wish me luck for the next couple of days and I'll post on how resisting temptation goes :D
<3 Irena

Weigh in day, just a day late lol

Yesterday was weigh in day, and while it was a positive day, I'm def coming down with something so I was just not up to posting at all. It was a long day at work, and then I came home and just felt icky. Not that i'm feeling any better today, actually i'm worse...but I need to keep on track. No reason why I should fall behind just because I don't feel well. So, I was down 3 lbs this week! Now, it's not a huge number...but considering it was that time of the month, plus my foot is still messed up and I'm totally getting sick, I'm proud. I can only say that this week will be as good if not better! I'm looking forward to getting past that 10 lb mark. Unfortunately there have been many times where I start to get overwhelmed, and almost afraid of losing weight. I'll get to the 10 lb mark and quit. Or i'll get over 10 lbs and then sabotage myself. NOT this time. This time i'm in it for the long run. I'm going to bed hungry, getting through my day hungry, making smarter choices and allowing myself a little room for error because at the end of the day, it's ok to be human. I am not going to make this a long blog because honesly, my bed is calling me. I have a doctors apt in the morning so hopefully i'll be back on the feeling good track in no time. I just wanna say, I've had over 400 hits on this blog and although not many of you comment or "follow" me, I do appreciate you reading what I have to say and I would love your feedback. :D
Night all!
<3 Irena

Day 12: It's almost weigh in day lol

Tomorrow is weigh in day and I am really looking forward to it actually. I know I worked hard this week and have been calorie counting like it's nobody's business. Keeping to about 1500 calories a day, trying to stay as active as I can. I have a feeling tomorrow will be a good day! I am a bit bloated, all you ladies know why lol, but hopefully that won't affect my weigh in too much. I am feeling so down about a few things in my life but I am finally feeling like losing weight might be something I can have control over. I used to feel that by keeping weight on I was controlling my weight, having power over my situation. It's taken me a long time to realize it, but by keeping the weight on and not making the effort I'm just hiding. Hiding from some fears I've started to deal with, and giving myself a false sense of security and control. The more weight I've gained, the less control I feel I've had which is exactly what I don't want. I hope very much that with every lb I lose, i'll gain even more control of my life. There are so many things I want for myself and I'm keeping positive. It's funny how easy it is to be negative. Negativity comes so much easier than being upbeat and positive. It's actual work to look at the bright side of things, especially when there are things you're unhappy about. I'm keeping those things out of my weight loss journey though. Trying to separate negativity about other things and negativity about weight loss. I don't need food for comfort...and the more I tell myself that, the better I do. We'll see how well I did tomorrow!! :D
<3 Irena

Day 10: I want chocolate lol

Yup, it's true. All I want right now are those god damn little cadburry eggs for easter. They are pretty much my fav thing, and I could eat a million of em. I went to cvs today to pick up a couple of things, and it took every damn ounce of strength I had not to buy some. There they were sitting in the middle of the aisle, nestled yummily between the bunny rabbit shaped chocolates and the little peeps I also adore. But I kept walking, told myself they would still be there another day if I really wanted them...and I left, without candy. The old Irena would have bought a pack or two and prob have finished one before I even drove home. I'm really trying though to not be that same person. To have will power, and to know that it's for my own good.

I hate that saying...for my own good. It's like, anything you hate, or don't want to do, or that makes you totally miserable is allowable since it's "for your own good". In this case though, it was for my own good, and I'm happy I made it out chocolate free.

I'm still having some trouble working out. I have been feeling like i'm getting sick for prob 2 weeks now. Sore throat, achey body...then there's my damn foot. I'm truly trying to push myself but working on my feet takes a lot out of me. I really need a job that allows me to sit at points during the day, so when I get home I'm not too tired to do anything else. I might make an apt to see the doctor about this "feeling sick" thing. Cause it's getting real old already. It's like....I should either get sick, or get better.

I'm also learning a lot about self respect, and personal growth. I am no longer willing to let anyone, men or women take advantage of my good nature. I feel that too many people over look me as someone who is just "going to be there" because I am the kind of friend who is always there. It's going to be a rude awakening when all of a sudden I'm not there, willing to jump at a call and just let people float in and out of my life. It's the same principle with dating, friendships...all of it. You can't expect me to just be there when you decide you want me, and then that it's ok when you are too busy or don't want me. I have to learn to say no to people, which is something that's hard for me. And I have to learn to say no to myself. I started with saying no to chocolate today...hopefully tomorrow I'll do just as well :-D
<3 Irena

Day 8 :D

I did well today. The calorie counting book that I have says that I should eat about 2100 calories a day to lose weight, but I figure, the lower I am (within reason) the better. Especially since i'm not working out real hardcore cause of my foot. So I had about 1700 calories today and I'm going to bed so I can't eat anymore. Night is the worst time for me. I'm sitting on the couch, watching tv, chatting with friends etc...and I just want to snack. Everyone loves snacking lol. But it's probably late night eating and snacking that helped me pack on these lbs. So I'm slowly trying to get myself to stop eating earlier and earlier. I'm aiming for not eating after midnight. Now I know that sounds mad late...but when I don't get home till 10 and haven't eaten dinner yet...midnight isn't all that late. So i'm trying real hard to eat my dinner, maybe have a fruit or something and then get my ass up to bed. There's no way i'll get to sleep early...but as long as I'm in bed watching tv, I won't get up for food. Even if my stomach starts to grumble, if i'm comfy, i'm not moving haha. Guess there's a +1 for laziness huh!? haha. On another note, I think the stress of being poor and stressed might kill me. I might actually go out of my mind worrying about how I'm gonna pay my bills. With that said, for the first time i'm keeping those issues and my weight issues seperate. I used to just say ohhh well, i'm too stressed to diet. Or, it's a bad day, I deserve a reward. I deserve to lose weight...and the rest of it will have to consume my mind in its own time. :D Off to go up to bed so I don't eat anymore! haha
<3 Irena

One Week Down!

My first week down and I feel like i'm doing great. Usually by a week in i'm already tired of watching what I eat haha but this week is different. It's not about food, it's about feeling better about myself. I worked on my feet for 5 hrs today and although I got home and was in pain with my foot, I iced it and moved on. For the first time this week I put my sneakers on and jumped on the elliptical machine. I only did 30 minutes before my foot started throbbing and I really had to quit...but I was really proud of myself for doing it. They say 30 minutes 3 times a week can help you lose and change how you are a bit...so my 30 minutes on top of my 5 hrs running around on my feet at work make a pretty good day. I am still eating right and counting my calories. Keeping them under 2000 a day as I should, and honestly, the lower the better. Although, I'm not at all trying to starve myself. I'm trying to eat a little something every few hours. Whether it be a fruit, a granola bar...something. I'm sticking to a couple of actual meals, and little snacks through the day so I never truly get STARVING. If I keep my metabolism going, and keep the starving feeling away I feel like i'll be able to control what I eat way better. When I get to that starving point then logic goes out the window...and I can't have that. We'll see what next week brings, but I'm planning on it being all good things! Good choices, and more weight loss :D. Now....to sleep. Gotta get those 8 hrs of beauty rest haha.
<3 Irena

Day 6...weigh in day.

I know you're only supposed to weigh yourself once a week, but I figured sunday would be a good day since It'd determine how I start off my week! So from now on, sunday is the day. This week is def starting off on a high note. 6 days in and I'm down 5 lbs! And that's without working out more than my usual running around for hours on end at work. My foot is still causing me a lot of pain but i'm anxious to really get back to working out. Making those 5 lbs, 10 and 15 and 20 etc. I tend to sabotage myself a bit and i am doing everything i can to keep positive and not do that. What I really want is to succeed. There are so many things in my life stressing me out and making me wanna binge eat, or stress eat...but I am not gonna give in. After so many years of doing that ive learned if I continue to stress eat, it only makes me feel worse. I have a couple days off this week (thankfully it's not a 6 day work week) and so i'm really gonna try to suck up my foot pain and get to some working out. Either way, I'm all about being motivated. Eating right is working for me so i'm gonna keep it up!
<3 Irena

Day 5...I'm far too stressed

Today was a long day. I got up early for training for work, from 8-10, then I work from 3pm till 10. I have to say, my foot is absolutely killing me! I'm sooo over working on my feet every day, and the pain not getting better since I'm on my feet every day. I just want to be able to excersize! I also am having some personal issues. Men confuse me, they drive me crazy and I swear....I am just too nice and good to people who don't deserve it. That said, I'm channeling that energy into more positive things and thinking about myself. I have to focus on myself because I'm the only one who can make a difference in my own life. Yes, having a man who's as caring to me as I am to him would be wonderful. What would be more wonderful is to be truly happy with myself. I weighed myself today and since I started this blog...I'm down 4 lbs. That's almost a lb a day which feels AMAZING. I am sticking to it no matter who or what tries to stress me out. I'm realizing that sacrificing some things are worth it for the mental health. I'm going to pick one day a week to weigh myself...maybe it'll be on sundays, or mondays....But i'm gonna try not to weigh myself too often and just post my results once a week. Although, 4 lbs made me excited so I felt the need to share! Hopefully tomorrow will be a better day...filled with good choices, no foot pain and excersize!
<3 Irena

Day 4...I'm proud of myself

I know it's only 4 days...but I took a bad day and made it good, and for that I'm proud of myself. I went to the podiatrist today for my foot and I have a very inflamed heel and blah blah...long story short I ended up needing a cortisone shot in my heel and he said to ice it and elevate it etc. So while I'm not quite going for a run ready...I'm working on getting all healed up so I can get back to working out harder. I was so good all day counting my calories and eating right. Then, I was tempted. Now I have to be honest and say I tempted myself. My mom had some oral surgery and I forgot she was staying away from carbs and thought I'd be sweet and buy her some ice cream. So, I get home and she goes...why would you do that, I can't eat it? And now it's there. In my house. calling to me. She told me to throw it away...but how does a fat girl throw away ice cream!? So my mom went to bed tonight, and I was hungry, so I said oohhh there's Ice cream!!! I sat down on the couch, opened up my chocolate and peanut butter ice cream and started eating. And with every bite I swear I felt more and more guilty. I was eating it going this doesn't even taste good because I'm hating myself over it. So what'd I do? I threw it away. I got off the couch, and threw it away. For the first time in a very long time I put myself first. I thought about how I'd feel after I finished eating it, rationalized it, and fixed a mistake I was in the middle of making. I'm proud of myself tonight and even if I couldn't work out like I wanted to...today was a good day :-)
<3 Irena

Day 3....not too shabby

Today I am honestly not feeling well. I feel like I'm getting sick. Sore throat, achey body. the works. That said...I was really good with my eating. I stayed within my calories and made a real effort to keep positive even though with not feeling great I'm a little down. I contemplated a lot about life today...wondering why things happen how they do. Wondering why I'm still single, why I have to work so hard when some people are just handed things...
What I realized is that I just need to keep focused on myself and the positive things. Things will fall into place in time. This is not the time to worry about being single, or anything that's out of my control. The only thing I can control is what I put in my mouth, how much I sit on the couch and how many hours I work a day. Plus, my attitude of course. My attitude is the one thing that's gonna keep me going, cause I'm realizing, I deserve to be happy. Slowly, but surely. And what will make me happy is knowing I'm taking care of myself :D
<3 Irena

Day 2...was better :D

Today my goal was to really count calories and to make a seriously conscious effort. I half did that. I knew I was going to stop at dunkin donuts today on my way to work to get a coffee, so i purposely ate at home and made sure that i didn't get anything there. I had 300 calories for breakfast, and then lunch was a subway sandwich. Not the best, but not the worst either. I avoided ordering cookies, or getting chips and making it a "meal" even though I would've loved either. I came home, didn't snack at all and then had a sensible dinner. I'm sure I'm under 2,000 calories for the day and if I have a snack before bed it'll be fruit. I was on my feet for 5 hrs today at work and while that's not quite "excersize", it's tiring, and I do a lot of running around. I also have been having some issues with foot pain. I'm not sure what's wrong w/ my foot but I'm going to the podiatrist on friday so hopefully that'll be a fixed and then I can start hardcore working out.

And it's finally nicer out!! I wore my spring jacket today, and was feeling good w/ my sunglasses on not freezing my ass off :D. I'm pretty psyched to get outside and do some working out in the good old sunshine!
What I did do today is take care of myself physically by eating what I should, and not what I shouldn't. I also did my nails. Tips, paint, the works. Makes me feel a little better about myself, which in turn makes me want to take better care of myself in other ways. It's the little things right??
<3 Irena

Day 1...was not such a great day.

So i was in a rush today, because of course I hit the snooze button too many times. Of course that meant that I picked up some food. And some food, I meant a bagel. Which was a terrible way to start off the day. Followed that up with a slice of cold pizza and you have my day. Now, in the grand scheme of things, the total calories were prob not over what I should've eaten today...but I didn't count as I should, and I didn't make good choices. I did spend 6 hrs on my feet at work in constant motion, which is something. The thing is, when I get home from work, my feet hurt and I have no energy to first work out. So that's something I need to work on. How to get that motivation and how to get my body to keep up with my mind at the end of the day. I'll prob be up till like 2 am...most of it will be spent sitting on the couch watching tv and online. One day at a time. I can't change all of it at once, I just have to keep reminding myself of that. What I will do though is plan out my calories for tomorrow. I will plan it all out, and write it all down. For tonight, at least it's something.
<3 Irena